Gary is not snacking
He is running a takeout service out of your tray. One visit and the feeder looks like a crime scene made of shells. The birds have opinions about his business model.
S·Q·U·I·R·T · Squirrel Quelling Using Intelligent Recognition Technology
Birds welcome. Squirrels get wet.
SQUIRT is a little camera with a hose opinion. It watches the perch. If Gary shows up, Hose Buddy gives him a quick blast. The birds keep eating. Gary leaves with wet fur and hurt pride. Honestly, we like everyone involved. That is the problem.
Runs at home
3–5 s splash
Birds stay dry
Gary gets damp
SPLASH!
Gary · Seed Bandit
VIP Bird
Hose Buddy
Why bother
You bought seed for birds. Someone else got the memo.
The birds showed up first
They wanted breakfast. They did not want a furry linebacker on the perch arguing about who paid for the nuts.
Yelling does not scale
Neither does a sprinkler that soaks the mail, the dog, and every cardinal in three yards. Hose Buddy aims, says nothing, and gets a little wet and judgmental about it.
Full disclosure
We need to talk about Gary.
Gary lives in our trees with two associates, Earl and Denise. We like them. That is the confusing part. They have their own setup on the back fence, far from the bird feeder: a squirrel-sized picnic table with its own umbrella, a private peanut feeder, corn cobs in rotation, and a stainless steel water bowl. We tried the pepper stuff in the bird seed too. Gary treats it as seasoning.
He will bury a perfectly good peanut for later, then walk past his own buffet to eat the birds’ breakfast. That is not hunger. That is a lifestyle. So no, SQUIRT is not revenge. It is a gentle reminder about where his reservation is.
The competing offer
The commute to the peanuts is shorter than the commute to the bird feeder. Gary makes the long trip anyway.
Amenities include
- Shade. The picnic table has its own umbrella.
- Corn. Cobs on rotation, restocked by management.
- Hydration. Water served in stainless steel.
- Peanut feeder. Members only. All three are members.
- The oak lounge. First come, first sprawled.
- Security. A hose that only bothers you at the other restaurant.
The crew
Three residents, zero rent.
- Gary. Ringleader. Walks past a full pantry to rob birds. Currently damp.
- Earl. The gray one. Spends summer lying flat under the big oak like he pays property taxes. Has never once hurried.
- Denise. The brown one. Runs the corn inventory like a warehouse manager. Suspicious of the umbrella.
House policy is firm. Nobody gets hurt, everybody stays fed, and the birds get their mornings back. Someone in this house has a serious soft spot for all three of these guys, which is why the worst thing that can happen to Gary is a short cold shower and a dent in his dignity.
Look · guess · squirt · look again
What it actually does
- Watch. Camera stares at one patch of feeder, not the whole yard.
- Guess. Software asks if that lump is Gary. Birds get a free pass.
- Squirt. Relay flips. Valve opens for a few seconds. Lesson delivered.
- Double-check. Ten seconds later it looks again. Still there? One more splash.
- Chill. Hourly limits and a valve that shuts when power dies. No surprise lake.
Practice without flooding the yard
Dry run mode pretends to fire and keeps a diary. The water only turns on after the diary stops looking stupid. The clubhouse shows the run log today and the live camera next.
The critics
The reviews are in. One of them is biased.
★☆☆☆☆
Gary · repeat customer
“Ambushed at brunch. The water came out of nowhere. Unacceptable. I will be back tomorrow at 7.”
★★★★★
VIP Bird · verified percher
“The linebacker left mid-argument and breakfast went back to normal. Would perch again.”
★★★★★
Hose Buddy · staff, biased
“Finally, a job with purpose. I was born for this. Slightly damp. No regrets.”
The guts
Boring parts, said with love
| Who gets wet | Gary. Ideally only Gary. |
|---|---|
| How long | About 3 to 5 seconds per blast |
| Second look | Roughly 10 seconds later |
| Brain | Raspberry Pi 5, stays home, no cloud rent |
| Muscle | Little 5 V relay bossing a 12 V valve |
| Bird rule | If it has feathers, leave it alone |
| Gary’s other options | Peanut feeder, corn cobs, picnic table, water bowl. He knows. |
| Subscription | None. We have standards. |
The unfun paragraph
Point the nozzle at the feeder, not at people, pets, windows, or the neighbor’s barbecue. Follow local rules. The hose and the 12 V gear are the real thing. Treat them like outdoor power and pressurized water, because that is what they are.
The lineup
Three builds. One very dry feeder.
Open build
$0 / open plans
Build it yourself. Off-the-shelf parts, plans published here as they harden, and all of the pride.
The kit
Coming soon
Camera, valve, nozzle, and the brains in one box. Built when enough of you keep asking, and one extremely serious acorn reviews every kit before it ships.
Someday
Cyberhose / flagship
Stainless everything, LED status strip, the same gentle splash. The squirrel is still not self-driving.
Nothing is for sale yet. Enough interest changes that, so if you want one, say so. Every ask moves the kit up the roadmap.
What’s next
From cartoon to wet grass
- Now. Camera live at the feeder, vision software in dry run.
- Soon. Live camera in the clubhouse TV.
- Then. A model that knows a finch from a felon.
- Eventually. Night mode, event replays, and the kit.
